Demotivational Posters are the Shit

Dammit

Oliver, my really annoying tabby cat, got out of the house yesterday morning. He's been out a couple of times and always comes back a few hours later, so I wasn't worried. But then when I went to get the mail, one of my neighbors had posted a sign saying something like:

"FOUND: CAT
Orange tabby, white chest and paws, very friendly
Desperate for its home!
I can't keep, please call"

I was a little tempted not to call, how bad is that? Of course, I did call. And he was fucking filthy as hell, so I had to give him a bath, which, let me tell you, is a hoot. I almost lost an eye...damn cat.

Please tell me this is fake

These people are gonna take all my $

So this awesome British Pub just opened right next door to my restaurant. Tonight was their opening night and I have a bad feeling about it... https://www.luvthepub.com/pub_naples.html

I'm over it

I was texting my BFFF, Angie, and she was saying how she's gonna delete the majority of her friends on Facebook, leaving only the people that really matter on there. So, that should bring it down to about 9, she said. This got me thinking..I actually enjoy Facebook, but you know what I hate?


Myspace.


Fucking. Hate. It.





I log on every now and then just to check some stupid comment someone left, but otherwise I could care less about it. So, screw it, I decided I'm gonna delete it. Which got me thinking about something else: I'm OLD! Holy crap, when did Myspace start to seem like something only 13-year-olds and pedophiles use? It has this, I dunno, dirty feel to it, and I'm sick of it. I don't like the majority of my "friends" on there, anyway, so who's really gonna care if I get rid of it?



On a totally unrelated note, I just ate a popcorn-flavored jellybean and I think I'm gonna throw up. So foul. So, so foul.

I love these guys!

I think that's Oliver!

What?

Black woman to toddler running wild: "Tyrone, get yo' black ass over here or I will spank you like a white man!"

Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: White girl

F*** my life

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML


Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML


Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML


Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML

What a fabulous invention

see more pwn and owned pictures


Wow...I can't wait to use this! I mean, what could be better than the smell and taste of bacon while you're having sex?

"Hey, baby, I think we might need a little...help. Did you remember to buy more lube?"

"Yeah! And I'm actually feeling kind of hungry, too, so this new bacon lube will be perfect!"

Can you imagine? Hahaha! You'd get aroused every time you had breakfast after using this! Hmmm...now that I think of it that way, maybe I should buy some!

Dear Mr. Oppenheim,

Dude, call me! I know it's only been 3 days since we discussed the possibility of me traveling down to Cordoba, Argentina, with you next time you go, but call me already! Listen, you don't speak Spanish. The 4 other guys going with you can't speak it, either, and if you hire an interpreter for the time you're there, you're probably gonna spend more than if you just bought my damn ticket and paid for my hotel room. That's all I'm asking for! Shoot, I'd probably even pay for my own room just for the chance to go.

And if I do go, making a side trip to Buenos Aires will be a necessity. I'd take the bus over there just so I could get off singing "Stand back, Buenos Aires! Because, you oughtta know what you're gonna get in me. Just a little touch of star quality!" That's an "Evita" reference, in case you've never seen it. It's pretty awesome, though, and I'm not just saying that cuz Antonio Banderas is in it...and plays Che Guevara *sigh*

Is that all you got?

Oh, Lara...really? Is "Underworld" really your idea of a challenging game? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so hard on you. You're not real, after all...just a product of Eidos, so I guess my anger and disappointment should be directed towards them.

Let me explain why, I think, this game SUCKED.

1) It was too short! There were only 7 levels, and some of them lasted for all of 10 or 20 mins!

2) Not very challenging. Sure, there were some semi-difficult puzzles to solve, and trying to figure out how the hell to get down to ground level in Thailand or get up to a higher level in Southern Mexico weren't exactly easy, but there were hardly any enemies at all! And the ending was a JOKE. What happened to killing a bad guy at the end of each level? I barely had to do anything but pull out a couple of pins in order to have a structure fall down at the very end. And that was it.

3) Way too many cinematic-cut-aways. A couple here or there are cool, and at least in Anniversary they were interactive (you had to press the "X" or "O" or whatever quickly and Lara would react). Nothing like that here.

4) You guys made me feel like crap for having a PS2. Guess what? A lot of people still do! That's no reason to leave out levels! If I had a Wii, PS3 or Xbox, the game would have been longer. You guys suck!

5) Too many bugs. At one point, I couldn't even jump through a tunnel like I was supposed to because Lara thought it was a wall. And the controls weren't as sensitive as in other games. When hanging from a ledge and pressing the triangle key repeatedly, Lara should move quickly. Instead, she wouldn't respond at all sometimes, which got to be pretty frustrating.

6) Why the hell does the camera pull back so much? I couldn't see what was in front or behind me because I couldn't control the camera! Aghhh!

And that's all I have to say about that. I can't believe I finished the game that quickly...not worth it at all.

3 more days!

As of Monday, April 6th, if you dine at the Capital Grille, you will no longer be able to buy the Banfi Belnero, $49, 5-course dinner. And to that I say...

FUCK YEAH! I can't take it anymore! My PPA has dropped from $90 a person to $70! Insane! Thank you, TCG, for running such a cheap special during our peak season. I can't tell you how intelligent that was. Why should we have made any money during the few short months we have to make it? Idiots.

Jon Stewart on CNNs Crossfire

So this is, like, 4 years old, but still one of my favs. Anyone that calls Tucker Carlson a dick on his own show is ok in my book.

No trouble, no fuss...

Holy crap. So, tonight was a royal mess. It started out simple enough: got the night off, went to the beach and chilled for a while, then headed out for drinks with my friend from work, Allison. She just left her douchebag boyfriend of 4 years, Clint. This guy is a serious asshole, man. Everyone hates him, and she finally saw the light, so I wanted to take her out to celebrate. We started at Bricktops...I had one mojito, she had a cosmo. Then we went to Brio. I had an espresso martini & a cosmo...she had 2 espresso martinis and a cosmo. Then we went to Jacks. That's when things got bad.

A few shots later, she was passed out on the bar. Srsly, passed the fuck out. Done. Bye-bye, gnight, peace out, she was finished. The bouncer, Jamal, just stood next to me giving me the death stare till I had to pull her car around and help her into it. Jesus. I had to have someone drive her home in her car, then I had to drive him back to his car at the bar. What a mess.

What I really want to say is, I asked a few people to help me out tonight. And you know what? They all said no. What a bunch of assholes. I'm sorry that you're too busy trying to get laid at some sleazy fucking bar to help escort your "friend" home safely. What if that were me? Honestly...what if it were? Situations like this really show you who your true friends are.

Actually, that WAS me on my 27th birthday back in August, and my good friend Laura drove me home. Yeah, so I puked out the window of her car a couple times, but she cared enough to help me get back, like any good friend would. I'm just amazed at how some people can be complete jerk-offs when it comes down to important things like this, and it's something I won't forget.