Like A Boss

Demotivational Posters are the Shit

Dammit

Oliver, my really annoying tabby cat, got out of the house yesterday morning. He's been out a couple of times and always comes back a few hours later, so I wasn't worried. But then when I went to get the mail, one of my neighbors had posted a sign saying something like:

"FOUND: CAT
Orange tabby, white chest and paws, very friendly
Desperate for its home!
I can't keep, please call"

I was a little tempted not to call, how bad is that? Of course, I did call. And he was fucking filthy as hell, so I had to give him a bath, which, let me tell you, is a hoot. I almost lost an eye...damn cat.

Please tell me this is fake

These people are gonna take all my $

So this awesome British Pub just opened right next door to my restaurant. Tonight was their opening night and I have a bad feeling about it... https://www.luvthepub.com/pub_naples.html

I'm over it

I was texting my BFFF, Angie, and she was saying how she's gonna delete the majority of her friends on Facebook, leaving only the people that really matter on there. So, that should bring it down to about 9, she said. This got me thinking..I actually enjoy Facebook, but you know what I hate?


Myspace.


Fucking. Hate. It.





I log on every now and then just to check some stupid comment someone left, but otherwise I could care less about it. So, screw it, I decided I'm gonna delete it. Which got me thinking about something else: I'm OLD! Holy crap, when did Myspace start to seem like something only 13-year-olds and pedophiles use? It has this, I dunno, dirty feel to it, and I'm sick of it. I don't like the majority of my "friends" on there, anyway, so who's really gonna care if I get rid of it?



On a totally unrelated note, I just ate a popcorn-flavored jellybean and I think I'm gonna throw up. So foul. So, so foul.

I love these guys!

I think that's Oliver!

What?

Black woman to toddler running wild: "Tyrone, get yo' black ass over here or I will spank you like a white man!"

Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: White girl

F*** my life

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML


Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML


Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML


Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML

What a fabulous invention

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Wow...I can't wait to use this! I mean, what could be better than the smell and taste of bacon while you're having sex?

"Hey, baby, I think we might need a little...help. Did you remember to buy more lube?"

"Yeah! And I'm actually feeling kind of hungry, too, so this new bacon lube will be perfect!"

Can you imagine? Hahaha! You'd get aroused every time you had breakfast after using this! Hmmm...now that I think of it that way, maybe I should buy some!

Dear Mr. Oppenheim,

Dude, call me! I know it's only been 3 days since we discussed the possibility of me traveling down to Cordoba, Argentina, with you next time you go, but call me already! Listen, you don't speak Spanish. The 4 other guys going with you can't speak it, either, and if you hire an interpreter for the time you're there, you're probably gonna spend more than if you just bought my damn ticket and paid for my hotel room. That's all I'm asking for! Shoot, I'd probably even pay for my own room just for the chance to go.

And if I do go, making a side trip to Buenos Aires will be a necessity. I'd take the bus over there just so I could get off singing "Stand back, Buenos Aires! Because, you oughtta know what you're gonna get in me. Just a little touch of star quality!" That's an "Evita" reference, in case you've never seen it. It's pretty awesome, though, and I'm not just saying that cuz Antonio Banderas is in it...and plays Che Guevara *sigh*

Is that all you got?

Oh, Lara...really? Is "Underworld" really your idea of a challenging game? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so hard on you. You're not real, after all...just a product of Eidos, so I guess my anger and disappointment should be directed towards them.

Let me explain why, I think, this game SUCKED.

1) It was too short! There were only 7 levels, and some of them lasted for all of 10 or 20 mins!

2) Not very challenging. Sure, there were some semi-difficult puzzles to solve, and trying to figure out how the hell to get down to ground level in Thailand or get up to a higher level in Southern Mexico weren't exactly easy, but there were hardly any enemies at all! And the ending was a JOKE. What happened to killing a bad guy at the end of each level? I barely had to do anything but pull out a couple of pins in order to have a structure fall down at the very end. And that was it.

3) Way too many cinematic-cut-aways. A couple here or there are cool, and at least in Anniversary they were interactive (you had to press the "X" or "O" or whatever quickly and Lara would react). Nothing like that here.

4) You guys made me feel like crap for having a PS2. Guess what? A lot of people still do! That's no reason to leave out levels! If I had a Wii, PS3 or Xbox, the game would have been longer. You guys suck!

5) Too many bugs. At one point, I couldn't even jump through a tunnel like I was supposed to because Lara thought it was a wall. And the controls weren't as sensitive as in other games. When hanging from a ledge and pressing the triangle key repeatedly, Lara should move quickly. Instead, she wouldn't respond at all sometimes, which got to be pretty frustrating.

6) Why the hell does the camera pull back so much? I couldn't see what was in front or behind me because I couldn't control the camera! Aghhh!

And that's all I have to say about that. I can't believe I finished the game that quickly...not worth it at all.

3 more days!

As of Monday, April 6th, if you dine at the Capital Grille, you will no longer be able to buy the Banfi Belnero, $49, 5-course dinner. And to that I say...

FUCK YEAH! I can't take it anymore! My PPA has dropped from $90 a person to $70! Insane! Thank you, TCG, for running such a cheap special during our peak season. I can't tell you how intelligent that was. Why should we have made any money during the few short months we have to make it? Idiots.

Jon Stewart on CNNs Crossfire

So this is, like, 4 years old, but still one of my favs. Anyone that calls Tucker Carlson a dick on his own show is ok in my book.

No trouble, no fuss...

Holy crap. So, tonight was a royal mess. It started out simple enough: got the night off, went to the beach and chilled for a while, then headed out for drinks with my friend from work, Allison. She just left her douchebag boyfriend of 4 years, Clint. This guy is a serious asshole, man. Everyone hates him, and she finally saw the light, so I wanted to take her out to celebrate. We started at Bricktops...I had one mojito, she had a cosmo. Then we went to Brio. I had an espresso martini & a cosmo...she had 2 espresso martinis and a cosmo. Then we went to Jacks. That's when things got bad.

A few shots later, she was passed out on the bar. Srsly, passed the fuck out. Done. Bye-bye, gnight, peace out, she was finished. The bouncer, Jamal, just stood next to me giving me the death stare till I had to pull her car around and help her into it. Jesus. I had to have someone drive her home in her car, then I had to drive him back to his car at the bar. What a mess.

What I really want to say is, I asked a few people to help me out tonight. And you know what? They all said no. What a bunch of assholes. I'm sorry that you're too busy trying to get laid at some sleazy fucking bar to help escort your "friend" home safely. What if that were me? Honestly...what if it were? Situations like this really show you who your true friends are.

Actually, that WAS me on my 27th birthday back in August, and my good friend Laura drove me home. Yeah, so I puked out the window of her car a couple times, but she cared enough to help me get back, like any good friend would. I'm just amazed at how some people can be complete jerk-offs when it comes down to important things like this, and it's something I won't forget.

Que rico!

It's a gray, rainy day, today, and I LOVE IT!!! As much as I love the sun, I think I'd be pretty content with rain for the rest of my life. Or, half, anyway.

And here's something to enhance the feel of this lovely day:


I drink this every morning and it's the shit! Cafe Bustelo is cheap, powerful and oh-so-tasty...of course, I don't make it, like, the traditional Cuban way. Screw that! I just brew it like coffee and then add my International Delight creamer to it. I know, I know, it's not the "right" way, but it's still yummy. And if you've never had it, go buy some! You don't even have to go to a bodega or mercado, they carry it at Publix. Sweet.

Oh, sure, that makes sense

I went to get my hair done yesterday because, well, I haven't been back to get my roots done since early January and it was definitely time. The chick I usually go to, Claudia, has been out of town for the past week, so I thought, eh, screw it, I'll just go see someone else. Bad idea.

The girl, Melany, seemed nice enough. She looked about my age, pretty and very smiley. Cool, this could work. I sat down and explained to her what I wanted. Needless to say, my hair looks EXACTLY the same as it did before. My roots are still my natural color, wtf?!? She left the color in for about 15 mins, maybe that's why. So I have to go back and get it fixed. Ugh.

But that's not the funny part: she starts talking to me about her son...

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Abdullah" she says. Abdullah? Hmmm, ok, obviously the dad is Arabic, whatever.

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"Well, his Dad is from India. But he doesn't like to be called Abdullah. He likes to be called 'Peter'".

"Oh, that's his middle name?"

"No, his middle name is Gabriel"

"Oh, where does 'Peter' come from, then?"

"I don't know. He just came up with it, so I call him that."

Riiiiiiiight.

I will no longer have a social life...

...because I just bought Tomb Raider: Underworld. Damn, I love these games. So, if I don't answer the phone, leave the house, show up for work, pick up the kids from school or update my facebook status, this is why.

Well, are they?

Well, that was fast

The batteries are dead already? Wow. I don't think I should buy any more, either. That damn thing is just too good.

I can't sleep, so..

...what better way to pass the insomnia than adding some surfing pics? Am I right? Thanks a lot, Nyquil, you don't work!

Some Goofy Foot in North Shore, Oahu





North Shore, again

I really need to move to Hawaii. Or Costa Rica. Or, hell, even the east coast of Fl, I don't care! Actually, that's not true...I hate the east coast.

Not again!

Srsly, if I get sick again, I'm gonna be so pissed off that...I'll...I don't know what I would do. Blow up an ice cream truck, I don't know. I worked a double today, and for those of you that are not fortunate enough to work in the fucking restaurant business, that means I worked lunch AND dinner. Fabulous. I got to spend about 10 hours inside those 4 walls, doing everything possible for my guests aside from sucking their dicks to make some decent $. Can't you tell I love what I do? Man, I can't wait to finish school.



So, getting back to the sick thing, yeah, it pretty much blows. I started to get a sore throat around 9-ish tonight; right around the time I started rounding everyone up for a night of drinks! That's me: "Jack's tonight? It's 2-4-1! Or Larry's instead? Wherever, man!" The funny thing is, I had everyone convinced to go out and then I don't! Hahaha! I started driving home and really felt exhausted...and considering I have to do it all over again tomorrow (yay, another dub!) I think I made the right call. I'm not saying it was easy, but it was smart, for sure.



And just to make you feel really sorry for me, this is how I feel right now:

Can someone please bring me some chicken soup and gingerale? Pleeeeaaaaase?

Ah, kids

I had to add this, it's so awesome. That's my niece, Maddie, and my nephew, Luc, on St. Patty's Day. I just love how Maddie's doing the thumbs-up while drinking a coke, it's great! I love those kids!


And here's what I was doing on St. Patty's. It's a far cry from sitting on a curb and drinking a coke, that's for sure!

I'm so there

G Love. Sunday, May 3. West Palm. Done.

Do I really need a reason?

Robert Pattinson brings out the screaming 12-year-old girl in me, and that's kind of disturbing.

Bullshit!

Wuss.

I have no clue

Is it better to stick to your guns and refuse to speak to someone that you work with because you know they're a shitty friend, or just bite the bullet and decide to get along, even though you're faking it, to avoid drama?

I don't know. No, I do know. It's better to forgive, but I definitely can't forget. And I just realized I wrote "guns" and "bullet" in two different sayings. Wow, I'm a nerd.

Here he is!

When I was at doggy beach yesterday, there was a guy there snapping pics of all the dogs running around and playing. He was passing out business cards and telling everyone to check his website today to see pics of their dog which are available for purchase. What a great idea! Why didn't I think of this?! That's my dream job: going to the beach every day, taking pictures of dogs!

Anyway, I can't copy the pics (I'm sure there is a way, I just don't know how to) but here's a link to my favorite one of Charlie: http://www.floridasportsaction.printroom.com/ViewGalleryPhoto.asp?userid=floridasportsaction&gallery_id=1475649&tcount=181&scount=156&sku=4

There's others of him, too, but this one cracked me up!

Flight Of The Conchords - Jenny

"That's the only way to eat sandwiches!" Awesome. Love these guys.

Low-ri-der

So I was at the carwash today (the do-it-yourself kind, I refuse to pay $20 for someone to clean my car!) and all of a sudden I hear "It's Raining Men" blasting from someone's car. I look around to see who the hell would be playing that, fully expecting to see some middle-aged gay guy jammin out, but instead I see this pimped out lowrider with a (presumably) Mexican driver bobbing his head along to the beat. Srsly?! I laughed so hard, I couldn't help it! There's no way that guy understands English. No way.

That damn Mykol!

So my friend Tiffany, Mykol's soon-to-be ex-roommate, is moving in with her gay boyfriend this week. And when I say "gay boyfriend" I don't mean just he's just a really good friend of hers that's gay, I mean she thinks they're together. But he's gay. Yeah. I guess they had sex once, like 3 months ago, and they were really drunk so I'm pretty sure that doesn't count. I have a feeling the poor guy's anus clenched pretty hard when he woke up the next morning and looked at her lying next to him!

Anyway, the guy works at Snapper's, a gay bar in Naples (shocking!) and he hasn't touched her since or expressed any desire to fuck her again. Well, she told Mykol that she's ready to settle down and have kids and Mykol said..."Wtf is wrong with you?! You want to have his gayby?!?" Hahahaha! I can't stop laughing about it, it's awesome! Those damn homos, they sure are funny!

Dots, not feathers

Not everyone may understand why I would love to go to India. I mean, it's the 2nd most populated country in the world, and it's poverty-stricken; it wouldn't exactly be a tropical, relaxing vacation, but that's the exact reason why I want to go. I've been drawn to India for the longest time and every time I mention my desire to go there to someone I'm always told "Ew, why? It's dirty there." Fuck that noise! I don't think every vacation should be spent in luxury...this is life, this is real, this is what people are living and experiencing every day. And I want to experience it, too, because we forget how lucky we are to be living where we do: to have clean water and a soft bed to sleep in and a nice car to drive to a job where we actually make more than $2 a day, and I don't want to take it for granted. I want to see these people and feel what they feel to live the way they do. I want to walk the dirty streets, witness the children playing in groups outside (not like kids here that stay inside playing video games all day) and stand in awe next to the Taj Mahal. I want to wake up at sunrise and pray with them to a God I don't believe in but it doesn't matter. I want to eat curry with everything and drink Hadia. I want to feel so small and insignificant in a sea of people. And if you don't get it, that's ok, it's not a destination for everyone, but I know it is for me.

In case you need a laugh:

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Some people...

...are total douchebags! Check it out, so last night I was pooling with Jan (pronounced "yawn") and he had a 4-top that got the VIP treatment because their son used to be a manager with TCG, I don't know, something like that. Anyway, they got a ton of free stuff. $300 of free food, to be exact. Their check should have been $400 and they were presented with a $100 check. Do you know what they tipped?

$40.

40 fucking dollars! Insane! Dude, you just saved $300 and you can't even tip 20% on the original?!?! I mean, if that were ME, I would have left at least $100 for the server, ya know? The chef even made a special amuse for them: lobster-stuffed shrimp with a lobster-truffle beurre-blanc, which looked amazing.

Tonight had better be better.

The trip I've been planning forever

I've been talking about going to Costa Rica for about a year, now, and I almost went last October but plans fell through, unfortunately. I would really love to go this year, maybe in December. It will still be really warm, then, and rates are lower on everything: a round-trip ticket only costs $200! I plan on drinking stuff like this:








Doing lots of this (not as well, of course, I'm sure I'll just be falling down constantly!):

Definitely HAVE to do this!

And staying at a little house on the beach, kinda like this place:



I have a feeling if I go, I'll probably never come back, which would be fine with me!

Ummm, why so difficult?

I googled "nutella crepes" and this video showed up. It freaked me the hell out after a few seconds. Watch it and see why...there's just way too much going on! I'm going to just buy the premade crepes, much easier.

What every girl wants...

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Thank you! No, really

As I was walking into Jack's last night, I had to walk past a group of guys and one of them yelled out after me: "Nice ass!"As appalled as I was (or wasn't, actually, this is Jack's we're talking about) I was kinda like, "thanks, man...I appreciate that". Gotta take compliments where you can get 'em, ya know?

I could spend all day on Failblog

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13 out of 15...not bad!

This will come in handy if I ever find myself in any of the following countries at Christmastime. These things are so stupid.

You Can Say "Merry Christmas" in 13 Languages

You can say "Merry Christmas" in: English Spanish Japanese French Arabic German Italian Swedish Portuguese Greek Gaelic Hawaiian Dutch

How Many Languages Can You Say "Merry Christmas" In?

Let me introduce you...

...to the man in my life. He may drink out of the toilet and eat cat poop from the litterbox, but I love the guy! Oh, and I wasn't really kissing him in that pic. Who knows when he ate some tasty cat turds last? Blech!

You eat apples, right? I produce "Entourage"

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Say hi to your mother for me...

I love re-reading books. Good books, that is. "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert is one of the most amazing books I've ever read. I bought it a little over a year ago, and I read the majority of it at the beach so the cover is pretty messed up and some of the pages still have suntan oil marks left from last year (I'm so pale now, it's terrible!). It was the perfect book for me at the time because of what I was going through, but I'm reading it again because so much has changed, and yet I think it's still appropriate for this stage in my life. The first time I read it, I think I related to her trip to Italy the most: overindulgence for sure! Now, I think I'll probably find her time in India or Bali to be a little closer to what I'm going through.


On a completely different note, I bought Max Payne yesterday and can't wait to watch it. I don't know what it is about Mark Wahlberg but I love him! True, he's not a very good actor...terrible, actually! And just the thought of him singing "Good Vibrations" is enough to make me crack up, but I like the guy. I love Andy Samberg's impression of him, and if you didn't watch the clip above, you MUST! I would include it in this post but I'm having some technical issues. Enjoy :)

Oh, no, you don't!

You know what pisses me off way more than it probably should? Pedestrians. Here in SW Florida we have TONS of outdoor malls, and nothing is more frustrating than when people don't even pause before walking into the road. If they hesitate for a second, I always stop to let them cross, but I want to hit them with my car when they just go! Not that they would get that hurt considering the size of it, but at least I would prove my point. And when they cross, they walk diagonally so it takes even longer, and of course they're about 900 years old, so that doesn't help. Man, I need to get out of this state.

Moving sucks

So my lease is up May 1st and I'm looking all over Bonita for either a duplex or a condo to rent. I actually enjoy it, to an extent, and I've found a couple different places that I'm interested in. Today I called my landlord to tell him that I would love to stay here, but I can't afford it...could he come down $200/month? Uh, that would be a big, fat "no". But he does have a 2/2 condo just a couple doors down from my place that he would give me for $850. Hmmm...it would be nice not to have to come up with a new deposit, and I love where I live, it's so much nicer than most places around here.

I was talking to my mom about all this just a few minutes ago and she said: "you wouldn't want to live here?". Ok, let me explain: my mom has an awesome house on the river that she had built about 6 years ago. It has a one bedroom apartment attached to it, separated by a breezeway. The apartment is its own little building, but it IS right next door to my mom's house. It would cost me $600 a month, that includes everything, and season is almost over...I'm gonna be really broke really soon. But living so close to my mom? I moved out when I was 18 and haven't lived home since! It's totally a pride thing, I know, but I should be realistic about it. I get $830 a month in child support, so that would pay for my rent, utilities AND my car, which would be sweet. And it would be a huge help to my mom because she could use that money once my brother and sister-in-law move out.

Decisions, decisions. I think it makes the most sense to go to my mom's...as much as that sucks, but it would help me save $ and I'm going back to school this summer, so I should probably just swallow my pride, act like a big girl and move into the apartment. Ugh.

Bearforce1

I love these guys! The tight shorts, the pudgy bellies...the shower scene! "Boys! Boys! Boys!" Enjoy...

Sleepwalking Fail

It's really not that important

So I went to Wendy's today for a spicy chicken fillet (what else is there?) and when I pulled up to the 1st window, no one was there for a second. When this happens, I always start to wonder: "did they tell me to pull up to the 2nd window?" and I feel like an idiot. Just when I went to put my car in 1st gear, I see a guy come running, and I mean running, over to the window, slip, lose control and slide face-first into the window! Hahahahaha! Oh, man, it was the funniest thing I've seen in so long! He didn't get hurt or anything, but when he opened the window he was like "Sorry about that", and I couldn't help laughing. "No problem. There's no rush!". When he gave me my debit card back, he goes "Have a bee-uuu-tiful day!". I can honestly say it was the weirdest/funniest drive-thru experience I've ever had. Awesome.

You know you need new clothes when...

...you use a safety pin to keep your zipper closed and it doesn't even work! Sorry for the crotch shot.